Sorry for the long silence,
this year, or at least the first 2 months of this year have been difficult ones for me.
It has seemed as though one hurdle has been followed promptly by another. Just as I'm finding my feet, something else comes along to send me crashing back into the dust.
Last year ended with me finding out that Nicholas was in end stage renal failure - that in itself was enough to slightly deflate my sails. Then, week by week, his test come back showing less and less function - to the point where medical professionals in Canada said if he were there, they would have him on 3 times weekly dialysis, and would be prepping him for a transplant. My reality here, was that the government hospital (the best in South Africa) had thrown up their hands and said there wasn't really anything else they could do for him. Any Moms reading this will understand the turmoil and heartache I was going through. (This past week, his results showed an enormous improvement - so, so thankful for all the prayers - keep them coming).
Then in January I had a freak horse accident, and had part of a finger cut off. It was 4 days before they were able to do surgery. Due to how dirty the wound was, they needed to ensure it was properly clean before doing plastic surgery to try and repair it as much as possible. Surgery was successful, and although I'll never have a nail on that finger, they were able to add a little extra length, so that one day it will be able to again play piano. Try being a Mom, with only 1 hand! Even "simple" things like changing nappies and washing dishes suddenly take an enormous amount of time and energy. To top this, I missed the first week of school due to being in hospital. So when I did return to teaching I was playing catch-up.
Life was just beginning to fall into place, and then one morning, on my way to drop 5 little people at 3 different schools, my car died. As in, stopped just before entering the busiest intersection of my morning run - with 5 little people still in the car. Thankfully, I have the most AMAZING friends, and they came to my rescue. They dropped all the little ones at their schools, towed my car back to their place, and then lent me their car until my car could be fixed - so, so wonderful. But still, just that little extra hassle that I really, really didn't think I needed. . .
Car gets fixed, and life begins to fall into place again. Then get to the till at our grocery store to realize someone has stolen my wallet while I've been shopping. Three kids in the cart, wallet buried in the nappy bag, but still very much gone. All my ID's, passport, drivers licence, credit and bank cards (Canadian and South Africa), cash that was supposed to pay end of month bills - all gone, gone, gone.
I've spent this past week re-applying for bank cards, all my Canadian cards, driver's licence etc. I even went to Pretoria to hand in paperwork for a new Passport - very, very important as my work visa expires on March 6th, and I need a passport when re-submitting. Had wonderful friends lend me money to get to the end of the month. Again, I thought everything was organized and under control. Then I went to the work visa office Thursday and found out they are now requiring extra documents to extend a work visa - documents I had in my wallet. . .but now, gone, gone, gone. There is no way I will be able to have these documents organized by the 6th - no way!
Through all these ups and downs I've tried not to complain too much. I mean, why not me? Bad things happen to everyone, so why not me? But as they've continued coming, and coming - I started to tire from trying to be positive. I mean, this was just crummy, why did these things have to continue happening to me? I mean, 1, 2, even 3 bad things I could take. But, come on, enough already.
Today at church, what was the topic?
"Everyone has tough times. We all end up falling, in the dust, the dirt. But, you want to hear the good news? Even though you may stumble, you may even fall - the Lord is still holding your hand."
Here are some different translations of Psalm 37:24
King James Bible
Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth
him with his hand.
New American Standard Bible
When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.
My favourite I think is this one:
Holman Christian Standard Bible
Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, because the LORD holds his hand.
I have certainly been feeling overwhelmed these past few months. Maybe you have too. . .
But then I got to thinking. When my little Nicholas falls, he really falls. As in belly-flop, flat on his face, I call it "splatting". And cry, oh does he cry. But it's what he does next that I realized is so important. He immediately looks for me, usually I'm already at his side, I'm there to hold his little hand and help him up. But, it's what he does next that is so so amazing. As I pick him up, he wraps himself around me. His little arms around my neck, his legs squeezing as tightly as possible around my waist, and his little head buried in my shoulder. He hangs on with all his might - trying to get as close to me as is possible.
When I fall, is this what I do to my Abba Father? Do I try with all my might to get as close to him as possible? Do I hold onto him with every part of my being? If I'm being completely honest, I'm embarrassed to say, this is not what I do.
Instead I'm reminded of my Pamela. Back when she first came home to me she was a broken little soul. Life had treated her badly, and so instead of trusting others, she looked for ways she might be hurt. So when she fell, and she fell a lot as well, she wouldn't cry and search for me. In her life no one had ever been there to comfort and console her. So, she would simply pick herself up, brush herself off as best she could, (not always very well as she was only 4), and continue on with her day. Oh, but if you ever managed to glance into her eyes, the hurt and the pain just radiated forth.
Is this how I am? When I stumble, fall, even "splat" sometimes - instead of crying out to my maker, instead of running to him and hanging onto him with every ounce of my being, do I ignore his outstretched hand, and instead get myself up, and brush myself off?
Is it any wonder that I'm feeling tired and overwhelmed? Instead of clinging to my Abba Father, I'm acting like an orphan. Sure, I may acknowledge his presence. I may even glance at him through my tears, but I'm acting like my dear Pamela used to. Instead, I need to cling to him like my Nicholas clings to me. If Nicholas can trust me so, in only 3 months of being my son, how much more should I trust and cling to my Heavenly Father. . .
So, as this week progresses, and this month, and this year - this is my prayer. That when I stumble, and maybe fall, possibly even "splat" - that I will search out my Maker's face. And when His hand helps me to rise again, because he's right there with me, that I'll turn and cling to Him with every ounce of my being - this is my prayer.
This in turn, is my prayer for you. If you've been having a tough week, or month, or year, I pray that you'll turn to our Abba Father, and cling for all you're worth. Think of my little Nicholas, and cling like that,
Until next time,
blessings from Africa
